10 Useless Facts About Newborn Babies

If you’re wondering why the frequency of my posts has decreased, and why you don’t see me lurking around Twitter so much at the moment, the answer is baby.

It turns out that I had forgotten a whole lot about what it is like to have a newborn baby in the house. SPOLIER ALERT – it’s hard work. Surprisingly, when a toddler is thrown into the mix, free time disappears completely!

Because I may have forgotten a thing or two from the first time, I thought it prudent to record my observations of baby number two. This is what I have noticed:


  1. The noises. I’m not talking about the incessant screaming, perfectly pitched to send a shiver down your spine. I’m talking about the constant snuffles, growls, snorts, burps, hoots and farts. Newborns are LOUD. Constantly. It’s like living with a farm animal.
  2. The poo. Of course newborn babies poo. A lot. But it is weird poo. It starts off like tar, then it becomes this strange, mustard-like abomination. Even the smell is weird. It’s not exactly bad, but it sure as hell isn’t good.
  3. The sleep. Newborn babies sleep A LOT. Just, not necessarily at the times you want them to. In a hurry to leave the house? Newborn is asleep. 3am? WIDE AWAKE AND NEED TO BE HELD.
  4. They keep the bladder partially loaded. You see that the nappy is wet. Maybe they’ve even done a poo. The impulse is to change it immediately, but beware – they are saving a surprise for you! At this point you have two options. The first is to wait it out for a few more minutes and hope to win the battle of the wills. Just beware that with every passing minute, that nappy rash is growing into a whole other problem. The second option is to go for the super-speed, stealth nappy change. Have them out of the soiled one and into a fresh Huggies before they have time to react and unload. I’ve run that gauntlet many times. Some, I’ve won…
  5. They all look strange. I look down at my son, and I have nothing but love and affection for the little dude. I gaze at him and think he is perfect. However, when I step back and look at him objectively, I can see the truth. He looks just like the rest of ’em. And frankly, they all look a little strange.
  6. Newborn babies are surprisingly light. Maybe it is because I’m now used to lugging around a 15kg toddler, but I’m surprised every time I pick the little man up. There’s nothing to him!
  7. They change, rapidly. He still looks strange, but even after just a few weeks there are significant changes in his face shape and expressions. Perhaps there is hope for him yet!
  8. A newborn baby smile is the absolute sweetest thing on earth. It’s most likely a self-defence mechanism, to allow them to get away with ruining our sleep.
  9. They destroy sleep.
  10. Newborn babies make you so busy and exhausted that you completely lose the ability to compile a list of ten facts about anything.
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